Problems that effect families

Contents Introduction: 1. COMMON PROBLEMS THAT HAVE AN EFFECT ON FAMILIES a. Differences in temperaments b. Differences in background c. Finance managing conflicts d. Conflicts in training children e. Differences in Spiritual standing f. Selfishness g. Problems with elderly parents h. Roles within a marriage i. Sexual issues j. Adjusting & Problem solving 2. BRIEF STUDY ON CONTEMPORARY INDIAN FAMILIES i. Family solidarity and emotional bonding ii. Factors and consequences of change iii. New ideas iv. Familism vs Individualism v. Romantic love, Sexual love, human love vi. Secularization and the family vii. Social sanctions viii. New directions and emerging families in the 21st century ix. Commodification of family experience x. The midnight generation xi. Domestic violence Conclusion   Major Trends Affecting Contemporary Families in India Introduction: The family has been the foundation of the societal integrity in India. As a joint and an extended family steeped in history, the family pattern has changed to a nuclear one in the modern times with the onset of industrialization, migration, inter-continental communication etc. with that, new avenues for upholding the dignity, equality and integrity of the person gave rise to equal career opportunities for both men and women. Along with this came the change in values, trends, styles, etc., to offset the traditional understanding of the family. With all these changes, however, the family in India nuclear or otherwise has continued to knit together its members to forge ahead in spite of joys and sorrows in life. Many people in our country seem to be unaware of the changes which have overtaken our concept of the family and of the changes in its pattern. We take the family for granted, and we tend to think of it as the one permanent feature of society that is in a sense impervious to the surging forces of contemporary world-life. Moreover, to most of us the very real and potent influence of the social environment upon the idea and the structure of the family as a social institution are by no means apparent. This due, in great measure to our ignorance of the dynamic nature of the network of human relations which binds us together as individuals and as groups in what we call society. All of us are in some way or other related in it as husband and wife, father and mother, parents and children, sisters and brothers. In actual fact, we are bound together in a family in more than one way. All of us belong in a family and only in such relation we find origin, growth and fulfillment as individual persons. 3. COMMON PROBLEMS THAT HAVE AN EFFECT ON FAMILIES No home is exempt from problems of one kind or the other. Marriage does not solve problems; it creates new ones. Family problems come in all shapes and sizes and usually conceal personal problems. The family nature of the problem usually arises in the relationship between parents and children. The personal problems of individuals within the family may be solved, or at any rate alleviated, by addressing the family as a whole. When husband and wife are in conflict, they are unable to understand each other, or put themselves in the other’s place or give way. Harsh words are exchanged. A terrible feeling of guilt, bitterness and loneliness creeps in, may other problems like difficulties involving money, sex, in-laws, communication – are usually symptoms of this underlying and universal cause: a selfish independence. If we are surprised when they come, we only reveal our unsound understanding of life. Few reasons for conflicts in families are: a. Differences in temperaments In marriage, conflicts arise due to many reasons. But it is a normal and natural process in the development of relationships. Conflicts arise as there are differences in our temperaments; one may be active and aggressive, while the other more sensitive and emotional; one may be logical, and the other impulsive; men tend to be more utilitarian, looking for performance, durability and serviceability in things; women tend to value the aesthetic factors, at a house, a man would look at the foundation, the condition of the plumbing, future resale value, and such details. On the other hand, women would probably be impressed by the style and determines the values held by the person. b. Differences in background Each person’s background is another cause for disagreement. One may come from a happy, organized and disciplined home. The other may not. One may come from a family where communication with one another was easy. The other person may come from a home where they never shared their feelings and activities with one another. One may come from a home where they have to eat everything put on their plate, while the other may not be conscious of the clean plate system. Thus each one’s upbringing may be a reason for the problem of re-adjustment. c. Finance managing conflicts Money management becomes another cause of conflict in many marriages. Every seldom do two people see money or its management exactly in the same way. One partner may like to spend on a certain thing which the other may consider as unnecessary or a waste. One may be keen on saving money while the other may feel ‘money is for spending’. One may spend hours worrying over a lost coin, whereas the other may take it lightly. Thus, instead of money being a means towards happiness and harmony, it could become a cause for friction, frustration, deceit and unhappiness in many families. This is a common cause of marital disagreement. Our training in the use of money takes place early in life and remains with us into adulthood. Savers, spenders and givers each live in a different financial universe. Savers learn to delay buying until the necessary money is accumulated. They feel secure when there is money stored up for any eventuality. Spenders learn to buy without delay and try not to think about distant needs. Givers of whom there are not enough in the church enjoy giving money away. They like to see the good they can do and take satisfaction in demonstrating their independence from the power of money and material possessions. All three of these kinds of people may be imaginative or unimaginative. An unimaginative view of money sees it as a set of tokens to exchange for goods. An imaginative view of money sees it as a set of possibilities. Married couples are unlikely to handle money in exactly the same way, especially at the start of a marriage. Sometimes it is the man who is the saver and the women the spender, but this is not always so. Savers feel insecure if married to spenders. d. Conflicts in training children Conflicts between partners also arise in regard to training their children. Sometimes parents fail to tell each other how he or she feels about the children; how they should be brought up, which parent should do what, what the basic problems are or what attitude each parent has to these things. One parent may not like to face confrontation with the children, and thus neglect disciplining them. One may feel frustrated and suspicious when the other fails to support him/her when discipline is administered. One may be overprotective; the other may show less emotion. Children’s depression is usually caused by painful relationships or events. Perhaps the child feels unable to please the parents. Perhaps the child feels the parents are too restrictive. Eating disorders may be caused by over sensitivity to the demands of beauty culture; by the way anorexia (serious under-eating) can reverse the effects of puberty (girls may stop their menstrual cycle) and look younger than they are and so allow them to dodge out of relationships with the opposite sex; by the tendency for family friction to appear at the meal table, and so for anorexics to try to avoid the occasion. Over eating is a learned behavior, and there is a correlation between the obesity of parents and their children. Obesity occurs when, over a long period of time, food consumed exceeds a person’s energy requirements. Over-eating may occur because food is identified as a comfort-giver. The parent, for example, who gives a crying child a sweet, is setting up an associating between food and consolation. This association may accelerate out of control in later life: the over-eating person becomes over-weight and experiences difficulties in health and relationships. Children usually become uncontrollable because they are unintentionally rewarded for doing wrong (parents pay children particular attention after rule-breaking and so they repeat the behavior. They have not learnt the social skills to share with other children or to take turns with toys they need medical attention. One parent is continually supportive whatever they do and the other continually displeased whatever they do. They are neglected and follow the dictates of a gang or youth culture; they have not learnt to persist in solving a puzzle, and therefore their intellectual progress is dismal. e. Differences in Spiritual standing Difference in the spiritual standing of the husband and wife also cause conflicts. One may find it easier to trust God as a child, and have little worry about impending problems; whereas the other may find it difficult to cast his/her care upon the Lord. One may be weak in controlling one’s temper and tongue. One may like to reason out things which the other may see plainly and take things as they are. f. Selfishness Above all, the major cause for most of the conflicts is selfishness. Selfish independence is present in a marked degree in every person from the cradle to the grave. It separates man from God and man form man. All human love is rooted in deep self-centeredness. Being centered in self-interest, we are concerned with getting instead of giving. As soon as the getting stops, love ceases. Selfishness makes ones love turn sour, whenever it is not responded to in the expected way. Conflicts arise because genuine self-giving love is absent. g. Problems with elderly parents One or both parents may become demanding, feel aggressive or sorry for themselves become forgetful, senile or incontinent and still wish to live with their sons or daughters. The process of ageing produces a range of problems. Bereavement may leave a parent desolate and unable to cope with the practicalities of shopping and cleaning. A stroke may leave a parent physically handicapped and unable to cope with personal hygiene. On the other hand, the parent may be able to drive and cook and simply be lonely. Each of these needs calls for a different response. There are disadvantages in asking elderly parents to live in the family home that may be met by a granny flat, a bungalow close by or warden accommodation in the same town. If elderly parents do come to live in the family home, money will need to be spending on adapting bathrooms and other fittings. A stair lift may have to be installed, and new televisions and telephones bought. The emotional burden of looking after elderly parents must be jointly carried by the couple offering their home. Low self-esteem often accompanies depression. The symptoms of a person whose self-esteem is low may be that they do not feel adequately loved, are indecisive and constantly need approval. h. Roles within a marriage Roles may be worked out by negotiation between the husband and wife. Women who hate being indoors and doing housework may wish to escape into the world of paid employment. Men who hate gardening may escape into the world of books. If the wife feels she is being forced into a role she dislikes, or if the man feels his wife wishes him to conform to a role unsuitable for him, there will be constant friction unless and until the problem is discussed. The biblical teaching given in Ephesians 5:22-33 does not define roles so much as attitudes. The husband who loves his wife may, for that love, take on a traditionally female role (e.g. cleaning the house), and vice versa, and each may be willing to do what they dislike for the sake of the marriage itself. The headship role of the husband enables him to be the initiator, however, and the wife to be the responder. i. Sexual issues Males tend to be aroused sexually by visual stimuli and females by emotional stimuli. This means that wives may be unready for sexual intercourse unless they are relaxed and feel appreciated by their husbands. Childless couples are sometimes tempted to refrain from intercourse because they feel the act has proved to be pointless but, in such instances, they need to try to see intercourse less functionally. The use of contraceptives is accepted by Protestants since there is a categorical difference between preventing conception (when sperm does not fertilize ovum) and abortion (destroying a fertile ovum that is going to grow into another human being). Barrier methods of contraception have the benefit of interfering less with the women hormonal cycle and for this reason are often preferred. The frequency of intercourse varies according to personality (extroverts tend to want intercourse more often) and according to age (Younger couples enjoy more frequent intercourse than older ones);it usually ranges from between three times a week to once a month and may continue well beyond the age of seventy. j. Adjusting & Problem solving Research shows that women tend to want to talk about their feelings more than men and that men are less interested in the details of personal relationships with women. It also shows that marriages which survive are those where the couples try to adjust to each other’s complaints. Moreover these complaints are far less destructively aired if they are made specific. When you did X I felt Y and wish you would in future do Z. the first statement allows a constructive response, the second is character assassination and may be remembered long after many acts of kindness have been forgotten. According to Goleman (1996:140), women are more likely to criticize their husbands and to plunge into emotional encounters than men. To counteract this, men tend to stonewall, to defend themselves by stoic imperturbability and this paradoxically, leads women to raise the volume of their complaints. Husbands and wives, by adopting opposing strategies, fail to resolve their differences. Instead the husband needs to realize that the wife’s anger is not necessarily a sign of personal attack: the wife wants the husband to listen to her complaints and sympathies with her rather than to try to side-step the issue with a heart practical solution. Conversely wives need to understand that their angry outbursts may be taken as personal attacks by husbands who are much more adapt to coping with problems presented in the general context of the relationship. Success never comes without effort. Conflicts in marriages may be developmental or devastating depending on the way it is handled. Many unpleasant experiences could be avoided if our objective in marriage is to make the other partner happy through self-less love. Some may argue, “For a Christian, selfishness should not be a problem.” May be it shouldn’t but it is. Being a Christian does not automatically solve the ‘selfishness factor’. True love is impossible while the heart is selfish. This can be solved only to the degree a Christian dies to self and allows God’s love to flow through his heart. God’s love is entirely different from human love. His love is the model for our love. It is the attitude and motive that determines the quality of love. God loves us not because we are lovable or in order to make himself happy. He loves us to make us happy and to do us well, regardless of our nature. In daily life, we should allow Gods love to flow through the family and it will be as solid as lasting foundation. Emotions fluctuate but Christ centered selfless love is constant. When problems arise, take time to discuss them which will promote understanding. Never discuss an issue in a self-righteous manner or in an attitude of judging their partner. If the partner hurted, should be willing to apologize. It may be humiliating experience, but need to learn to forgive when they are aware of wrong doing. 4. BRIEF STUDY ON CONTEMPORARY INDIAN FAMILIES The decade following India’s independence witnessed changes and new directions in all spheres of life – political, social, economic, cultural, religious, and familial. The economic development through industrialization and urbanization in India provided increasing educational and employment opportunities, enabled direct encounters and greater interactions between cultures, brought legislations enabling the cordially and economically deprived to obtain the benefit of education, and provided avenues for the exploited and depressed groups to move up in the educational and vocational domains that drastically changed the nature and function of social, political and economic institutions, including the family. The family as the primary caring institution across cultures has contributed significantly to human development, emotional nurturing, fulfilling relational and social needs, and providing a context for the most intimate human interactions. Since the early 1990s, with the process of globalization, there have been increasing changes with respect to socio-economic and cultural experience. there are notable transformations in education and career development, newer forms of employment opportunities (particularly in the IT and BPO sectors), a better financial package for the employed middle-class, advance communication techniques, development of cyber communities, increasing dependence on technology, regular mobility of professionals across the globe, wider and frequent cultural interactions and exchange, development of a consumerist value orientation, changing mode of personal achievement and satisfaction, new set of values and ethics that replace the traditional ones, decreasing the role of religion in personality formation and life management, and the fast disappearance of traditional caring and nurturing institutions. These changes have affected the socialization processes impacting personality development, attitudinal change, and behavioral patterns. Along with these changes, the family which is also subjected to the modernization and globalization process has undergone transitions. Belief systems values, roles, relationships, functions, and expectations have changed, impacting personal behavior and family interactions. i. Family solidarity and emotional bonding Considering the ruthlessly utilitarian spirit with which human relationships nowadays often are selected and entertained or rather exploited. It is quite likely that the criteria for keeping up family connections will be entirely determined by considerations of gaining advantage from the point of view of finances, economic security and prestige within a wider society In contemporary experience, relationships are not generally viewed from the family and relational context but from a purely utilitarian context which displays the tendency of ‘hiring and firing’ as in the job market. In the joint family, with its lack of privacy and intimacy and the principle that the procreation of children was a sacred duty and that all sexual activity apart from this aim was a lustful waste of precious energies, sexual intercourse as a means of showing love and of reaffirming again and again a sense of belonging together often played a minor role or none at all. ii. Factors and consequences of change The situation today is influenced by trends from post-modernism and the globalization process. These impacts are characterized by pluralism, democracy, religious freedom, individual advancement, consumerism, mobility, access to information, new technologies in communication, and access to varieties of entertainment. The post-modern world propagates many beliefs, multiple realities, and personal freedom in all matters of faith and life. Globalization in the name of economic development drives everyone involved to desire for personal success and profit. These trends have drastically destabilized the significance of the family and its related practices in the 21st century. iii. New ideas New ideas influenced by the west as one of the major factors not only influencing social change but also changes in the structures of the family. Western ideas and new insights seem to have direct and indirect influence on the psycho-social cultural processes either forcing adoption of such ideas or reactions. The 24 hours TV home entertainment, through movies and serials, bring not only entertainment but direct messages that continue to impact person and social attitudes, values, beliefs, and actions. In some serials, resisting tradition, a young working couple decides to live together without the so called “marriage’. The tensions, the conflicts – both personal and interpersonal, the response from the family and the immediate community, and the moral dilemmas are presented in such a way that there is some sort of idealism and the freedom of the individual which appeals very well to the younger generation who finds satisfaction in a fantasy experience. the thrilling and exciting plots in the presentations influence the audience greatly. iv. Familism vs Individualism A growing respect for the individual implies a greater amount of personal freedom and maximum opportunity for self-fulfillment at the cost of collective experience and traditionally held values. Hence, there is a shift from the collective family process in the traditional family to a celebration of personal achievement and freedom. Such process would dignify the individual but diminish the significance of the family. The family so far, as a primary social institution, nurtured the individuals and their relational context emotionally and psychologically. With the changing trends, this role of the family is almost disappearing. Familistic orientation centers around the fulfillment of role obligations and expectations toward kin members. In familistic society individual members express strong we feeling, subjugate individual interests to family goals, emphasize lineage and perpetuation of the family name, encourage loyalty and cooperation, demand obedience to patriarchal authority, and view outsiders with suspicion. v. Romantic love, Sexual love, human love Western ideas in this regard greatly influenced the Indian mind in understanding the role of sexual experience in marriage, beyond the concept of procreation. This change is certainly incompatible with what traditional families propagated as ideal for the husband and wife in which loyalty to family ethos, obedience to restrictions, commitment to obligations, and discipline and control on sexual expressions held their ground. The changing trend resulted in new values, attitudes, and practices with regard to sexuality and sexual behavior. The 21st century urban India is not very different from the sexually emancipated western societies where for a majority ‘sex’ is no more within the marital committed relationship. The values that one encounter today with regard to sexuality and sexual practices in urban Indian society is much more liberal than what one may suppose. What comes through the mass media, high-tech means, and through the cyber space is provocative and highly influential. Cyber space has become a centre for entertainment, erotic and romantic expressions, fantasy-fulfillment, and the place for choosing one’s life-partner. Intimacy as a subjective appraisal of interactive behavior that involves a deeper way of familiarizing, knowing, and experiencing the other in relationship. vi. Secularization and the family The process of secularization has shifted from the ideals of a “sacred family” centered around moral, social, and religious values to a “secular family” with the emphasis on pragmatic philosophy and individual freedom. In the first instance, the conscience of the community impact and guides personal and social behavior while in the second, individual conscience and interests. The secularized families are thus now open to new ideas and change, and are willing to adapt to new conditions in life. In this regard, it is noted: “on the other hand, in other secular families the individual is left much to himself to pursue his desired goal. The social control is not dependent on the conscience of the community, but more on the individual’s own thinking and decision. In the secular family, changes are welcome and the individual is more ready and willing to adjust to the new conditions and circumstances. vii. Social sanctions Legislations relating to marriage and family have brought noticeable changes in the family system. Rising the marriageable age to 18 has resulted in more opportunities for girl children to attend schools and collages who were otherwise married away much earlier. The legislation on the prohibition of dowry-related harassment and death is another remarkable progress with regard to marriage and family in India, across all religious and ethnic communities. Whatever measures are adopted by the political, judicial, and bureaucratic process for the empowerment of women and welfare of children have influenced the Indian society greatly. The representation of women in legislative bodies at all levels of political process in India also indicates change. The proposed bill on reservation of seats for women in the state and national government is another major step in this regard. The educational and economic opportunities are growingly available to women in India and consequently a change in their self image is emerging. viii. New directions and emerging families in the 21st century The traditional family system in India across regional, linguistic, and religious communities has undergone drastic changes, giving way to new forms of marriage and family since independence. There has been a gradual shift in these changes during the decades leading to the present cyber mediated communities. The modernization instilled by industrialization and urbanization has brought pressures upon the traditional socio-cultural-economic systems and values leading to changes. The post-modern era that western societies refer to also seems to have influenced in some ways though in my opinion, those are fearless in India. However, the changes seen in Indian society, particularly the urban society, with the process of globalization seems to be creating new forms of experiences, values and social structures that western societies and the developed nations are not aware of. The boost in professional education, IT education and careers, and the B.P.O. sectors have caused a major turning point in the Indian socio-cultural-economic systems. These developments also influence a drastic change in the social and relational experience, including the family. ix. Commodification of family experience The primary focus of the market economy and the employment sector is economic advancement, improvement in their purchasing ability and profit-making. Everyone involved in that process internalizes such an ideal that in many ways distract healthy personal and family development. To remain profitable in contemporary society the economy expanding the sphere of personal and family needs that can be met through market-mediated exchanges. “The expansion of market is achieved by more and more of the repertoire of human activity in commodity forms, thereby creating more opportunities for profit. This process goes on at the expense of traditional production, economic exchange, entertainment, social support structures, personal relationships, and even biological functions such as breast-feeding.” The market decides what kind of baby food, diaper, dress, toys, play school, gifts, food items, transportation, education, career, employment, network systems, friendship, spouse and the number of children. In a world with a lot of freedom, if not wild freedom persons are under tremendous pressure to keep up with the socio-economic circumstances, resulting in the loss of their freedom. x. The midnight generation With the development in the employment sector, particularly the IT and the BPO, the working pattern in India has drastically changed in terms of demands, expectations, achievements, and een the time schedule. For example, not many are employed in the traditional time schedule, but in shifts that seemingly have a negative impact on their relational experiences as they are forced out of the normal working hours. Manyof these have to work in schedules where they have their lunch at midnight and return home early morning only to rise at 6.00 pm to begin their schedule again. They miss the usual family and social interactions, limiting themselves to a social and emotional life around their colleagues. During work and after, this small group undertakes the controlling and nurturing functions and the norms of the group becomes central in their personal evolving. xi. Domestic violence The media reports indicate the depth of these violent and abusive situations and their serious consequences on the persons involved. In spite of these realities there is a conscious and an unconscious denial of the seriousness of these situations in Indian society. Another major issue discussed in family studies is domestic violence against women. There are numerous stories of women who are trapped in abusive relationships and their never ending intolerable plight at the hands of their husbands and the extended family members. Deeply disturbing and destructive situations are experienced when the marital partners and the extended family members fail to maintain an emotionally nurturing and supportive relational environment. Verbal, emotional, sexual, and physical violence whereas little or no focus on verbal, emotional and sexual violence whereas little or no focus on verbal, emotional and sexual violence in the families in India today. Conclusion The exploration clearly indicates that the family has survived through the centuries but not without being influenced and impacted by the social and historical processes. The traditional families and the manner of nurturing and socializing are almost gone and have been replaced with new patterns. 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